- Published on Sunday, 29 March 2015 10:39
His penis size and his hairline aren't all he’s worried about.
Dirty Harry didn’t give a damn whether you liked his tweed suit, and John Wayne didn’t feel self-conscious about his dust-covered neckerchief. That’s just how it is with us men: We’re impervious to judgment. At least, we’re supposed to be.
But in truth, we’re human. We want you to like our suits and our neckerchiefs. If you think we’re bad dressers—or worse, that we’re dumb, ugly, or gross—it hurts. I’m not saying men need to be coddled, of course. But if you think there’s nothing that makes us feel vulnerable, you’re wrong. Here are six of the cracks that are likely to appear in a man’s armor of self-confidence.
1. A crappy car
Cars aren’t particularly good investments, so if a guy’s short on cash, he’ll often stop shelling out to fix silly cosmetic things like rust spots. And once the rust takes over, who cares if springs start to poke through the vinyl seats? Who cares if the headliner starts to sag off the ceiling? Who cares if the fan belt starts to whine like a dying animal? He doesn’t—until, suddenly, there’s a woman in his car. Maybe it’s you. At that moment, it dawns on the dude that you know he’s broke. Are you judging him? Do you think he’s pathetic? Could you please wipe down the windshield since the defroster is broken?
2. An embarrassing relative
It could be an uncle who has a running tab at the strip club, a grandma who makes racist comments, or an older brother who turns every gathering into a political debate. Any of these people can make a guy self-conscious the first time you come home to meet his family. After all, he’s had years to accept these people’s flaws, and he’s asking you to do it over a holiday dinner. He’s also hoping you won’t project their flaws onto him.
3. Belly flab
Think he doesn’t care about his beer belly? Think again. He probably had the outline of a six pack years ago, but now, his belly looks more like a sack of leftovers. But he’s going to get back in shape soon. Real soon. It would make him happy if you didn’t stare at the loose, soft parts of his body since it might give you the wrong idea about how fit he used to be (and will be again).
4. Being uncultured
It’s a first date. You briefly mention the month you spent in Budapest, and he launches into a rant about how much he hates airline baggage fees. Then you profess your love for John Hughes films, and he tells some lame story about how he thinks he once saw Bruce Willis at a laundromat. Well, it’s possible that he’s totally self-centered and incapable of making conversation about anybody but himself. But it’s more likely that he just doesn’t know a damn thing about Budapest or John Hughes, and he’s trying to change the subject before you figure that out.
5. Pubic Shag
Uh, sorry. We try to trim up every so often. We’ve just been a little bushy—er, busy—lately.
6. Back Hair
But give the dude a break—back hair’s nearly impossible to shave. It’s not like he’s going to ask you for help. At least not until you’ve been dating for a few months.